bits and pieces
by ReachForTheSky
Summary: "When you open up to others, you're giving yourself to them. You give yourself away until there's nothing left inside of you, so every feeling you have is shared by someone else. But when they die, you die, and there's nothing of you left at all. That's why I can't give myself to you, Eren." A tale of two hearts - one open, one broken. Implied Ereri, oneshot.


Eren Jaeger is like a toy to be tossed around. Whoever can get his hands on him will only have him for a few months before something or somebody snatches him away again. Every time the game of pass-the-parcel is played, the parcel's heart - Eren's heart - is thrown on the ground and stamped on. Levi's surprised there's anything still left of him.

The toy is in Levi's hands as of now. They're supposed to be working with the rest of the squad, tactics and such, but enough has been taken out of the doll for today. It can rest.

A doll, a toy - that's all Eren is, now, with all the passion sucked out of him. "_I will kill all the titans -" "I will reach Wall Maria-" "Just one more time, Captain, I swear I'll get it." _Those words are missing from his usually constant stream of chatter. Raw emotions hang in the air, but Eren's bright green eyes don't show a thing.

He is sitting at the other end of the room right now, huddled in a ball with his arms wrapped around his knees. Petra's watching him anxiously, and she finally turns to Levi and whispers, "What's wrong with him?"

Levi shrugs. "He'll get over it."

She bites her lip. "Do you think we overworked him today? Did something happen? He looks really -"

"Shut up," he growls. "He's just being a teenager."

He watches Petra's face for any sign of relief, but if anything, she seems more worried. "But Eren - he's not just going to be upset because of … you know, normal teenage things. "

"Who says so?" Levi shoots back, starting to get irritated. "Because he's not human, he can't feel human emotions?"

"No!" she exclaims, trying to backpedal. "I didn't mean-" she stops suddenly. "Actually, I think I did mean that. I'm sorry; it was wrong. I need to stop judging him as inhuman."

This is one of Petra's better qualities: her ability to accept her own mistakes. "Never mind. Just leave him alone and we'll sort it out tomorrow if he's not back to being a brat by then."

She smiles. "Fine by me, Captain."

Levi stands up and calls out, "Bed, everyone. We have a long day tomorrow." He glances down at Eren, who seems not to have heard. "You too, brat."

"I know," he mumbles, trailing after the rest of the squad.

"Did something happen today?" he inquires of Eren, who won't look at him.

"Not especially," he replies quietly.

"I hope you won't deny that something has gotten you down, Eren."

"I won't, Captain," he says and disappears down the stairs. Levi frowns after him, then proceeds to his own quarters as if nothing happened.

He closes his eyes. Every night, he has to clear his mind completely, or else he will be plagued by nightmares awful enough for him to wake up screaming. It's been years since it last happened, but it's not an experience he'd like to relive. So he shooes all thoughts from his mind and attempts to fall asleep.

Sleep evades him, though, and for hours, Eren's pallid face keeps popping up just as he's falling asleep. He has only known the boy for a little more than a week, and yet, it was like he had always been one of his squad. His teammates seem to like the Titan Shifter enough. Levi himself has no opinion.

* * *

><p>Someone is screaming.<p>

Levi snaps up in bed, glancing around wildly for the source of the noise. It was from outside, perhaps downstairs. Downstairs. The cellar.

_Eren._

Levi yanks his boots on and grabs his cloak, wrapping it around him as he hurries over to the stairs. Sure enough, the anguished yells are getting louder.

He has nothing to fear, though, because Eren is fine. Yes, he's screaming and straining at his handcuffs, but he's not hurt, nor has he Shifted. Still, though, it's painful to hear him scream like that, and not just for Levi's ears.

He approaches Eren with caution. Hanji's words keep ringing in his head - he's dangerous if he Shifts in his sleep, stay away - but Eren is crying like a little boy and isn't he too young for this stress and _to hell with all those warnings._

Levi practically rips off the handcuffs, exposing the shallow cuts they've etched on the boy's wrists. He's writhing like he's still being restrained, and with the handcuffs gone, there's nothing to stop him from launching onto the stone floor.

He keeps screaming, haunted by some invisible nightmare. Levi bends down and gathers him up, settles him into a sitting position against the bed. As soon as he makes contact with Eren's cold skin, his breathing slows down. Levi takes the icy fingers in his own, and slowly the screams dwindle to whimpers.

"You okay now?" Levi asks after Eren falls silent.

"Yeah," he answers throatily. "Damn, I hate those handcuffs."

Levi sighs. "If anybody around here had their way, you'd be upstairs and free."

"I hate it!" Eren bursts out suddenly. "Why am _I_ treated as subhuman?"

Levi doesn't say anything. There's no point in responding to a question with no answer.

"Why did you come down here, tonight, of all nights?" Eren asks quietly.

Levi glances over at his harrowed face. "You've woken up like this multiple times?"

"Only since they made me sleep down here."

"Sorry. I would have done something if I knew."

He glances over at him. "What?" Levi asks testily.

Eren almost cracks a smile. "I didn't think you were the type to apologize."

"Well, I am," he replies rather awkwardly. Eren snuggles closer to him and buries his nose in the weathered green fabric of his cloak. Levi absently fingers the younger teen's feathery brown hair. _This actually isn't half bad._

Before he knows it, sleep is clamoring for him. Doll and captain both sleep better than they have in weeks.

* * *

><p>Levi blinks awake, at first jarred by the unfamiliar stone walls. The previous night rushes back at him and he's suddenly aware of a dull pressure on his lap. Sure enough, Eren's still fast asleep, his hands knotted in Levi's cloak. He looks so peaceful, and the events of the previous night are but a mere ghost hovering above him.<p>

"Eren," he growls and shakes his shoulder. "Wake up. We have cleaning to do."

He yawns widely and cracks an eye open. "Is the sun even up?"

"Doubtful. But unless you want me to unceremoniously dump you on the floor, I suggest you move that lazy ass of yours."

He complies, staggering to his feet and stretching. "I slept well," he says contentedly.

"How long has it been?"

"What?"

Levi looks at a mouse scuttling across the floor. "Since you slept properly."

Eren chuckles. "It doesn't matter, does it?"

The mouse starts poking at a hole in the wall. "If you're sleep deprived, everybody gets all worked up. Yesterday, Petra was beside herself just because you were too tired to talk properly. Just," he looks up to meet Eren's eyes, "Take care of yourself, understand?"

"That wasn't sleep-deprivation," Eren says brightly. "Last night, I mean."

Levi refocuses himself on the mouse, only to find that it's disappeared into the hole. "Then what was it?"

"I don't really know," he says vaguely, walking towards the staircase. "Shifting does weird stuff to me, I think. And afterwards, I get all messed up about humanity and stuff like that. Just forget it ever happened."

Eren's being a bit too casual to be believable, but Levi drops the subject. When's he's ready, he will tell.

Petra and Auruo are awake and arguing when they open the door leading out of the cellar. They both drop their bickering when the two emerge.

"Good morning, Captain," Petra begins respectfully. Levi already knows what she wants to ask, and thankfully, Auruo cuts to the chase.

"Hey, what were you doing down there? You must have gone down pretty early, _this _old nag had me up well before sunrise."

Eren shoots him a pleading look, clearly saying _don't tell him don't tell him don't tell! _but Levi ignores him.

"I don't know how we failed to realize this, but Eren's been having nightmares. Last night, his screaming woke me up, so I went down and got him out of the handcuffs."

Petra is visibly shocked. "I can't believe…" She shakes her head. "I'm so sorry, Eren."

"It's the handcuffs," Auruo concludes angrily. "I don't get why they have to lock him up like that."

"I don't recall you being too fond of letting him be free," Levi retorts.

"Well, yeah, I was an idiot! I didn't know, you know … he's a normal guy!"

"Guys!" Petra breaks in shrilly. "Consider Eren's feelings!"

"Glad to know someone finally acknowledges my existence," he huffs.

"One minute ago, you were grinning idiotically at everything I said, and now, you're gloomy as Hanji when her pet titans die," Levi says dryly.

"Well, yeah! You didn't have to say _everything_! Couldn't you have just kept your mouth shut for once?!" Eren explodes.

Petra and Auruo both start talking at the same time, but Levi silences them with a wave of his hand. "There's only six of us here," he begins. "We need absolute, unfailing trust, you understand? That means no secrets. If you peed your pants, I don't care. The whole squad needs to hear."

Eren mumbles incoherently in reply.

"What did you say?" he asks sharply.

"You always get the better of me," he mutters embarrassedly. Petra stifles a giggle, and Auruo flat-out bursts into laughter.

"You know," he says between gasps for breath. "We've been trying to get the better of this guy for years, so don't you think you've got a chance."

* * *

><p>"Okay, okay, he's out!" Petra calls, waving her hands in the air. Slowly the squad approaches Eren, who's emerging from the form of his Titan.<p>

Levi yanks him from the shiny red flesh binding him to the Titan. "You okay?"

He manages a half-hearted nod, then slumps on the ground.

Petra hovers over the two of them. "Here's some water, Eren, drink up,"

"You're so motherly," Gunther laughs, arriving with the rest of the squad. "Nice job, Eren. you Shifted on time and exactly as planned."

"Thanks," he says with a shudder. "Give me a minute, 'kay?"

Levi stays by him as he collects himself. He's getting better at recovering quickly, he notes. Perhaps it was the good night's sleep.

"Alright, I'm good," he announces, wiping the sweat from his forehead. "Are we gonna do it again?"

"Nah," Levi says offhandedly. "I don't want you to get exhausted mid-Shift and lose control."

"But the last one was only a few minutes!"

He turns around to face Eren. "I don't want you hurt, and that's that."

"Why?" he asks suddenly. "What's in it for you?"

Levi crosses his arms. "I dislike seeing you in pain, therefore, I try to avoid harming you. I thought I had made that clear."

Eren bites his lip and looks at the ground. "I didn't know it was that personal."

Levi sets his mouth into a straight line. He's already opened up too much and can't afford to let anything else slip. "I'll talk to Erwin about getting you out of those handcuffs," he says in a clipped voice and strides off too quickly to see Eren grinning childishly at his heroic Captain.

* * *

><p>It's nighttime again, and Eren is but a ragdoll once more. Even though Levi walks him down to the cellar, even though he sits with him until he's asleep, he still wakes up sobbing.<p>

"No good," he had told Eren somewhat ruefully that evening. "Erwin would like to release you, but the MP says absolutely not."

"Oh," he had said, visibly drooping. "Okay, then."

"I'll stay with you," he'd offered on the spot, and that was that.

But here he was, wailing and clawing at the handcuffs, and Levi pries them off once again. He strokes the frightened teen's back, whispering soothing words into his ear and feeling the shuddering subside.

"I thought they'd stop," he sobs. "I'm so weak, I'm so pathetic, I wish it wasn't me -" He looks up desperately at Levi. "Why does it have to be me?"

"I don't know," Levi whispers. "If I could, I'd switch places with you." This comforting talk was strictly because Eren probably wouldn't remember half of what Levi said tonight. Otherwise, even this would have been too much.

"Clear your mind," he says finally, all business now. He refrains from mentioning his own nightmares, how hard he has to work to block them out. "Calm down. You're safe, you're fine." Eren's breathing steadies. "There you go."

"Hey, Captain…"

"Mm?"

"How come I give myself entirely to you, but you refuse to open up at all?"

* * *

><p>In the days that follow, Levi pretends he never heard those words of Eren's. Clean, train, eat, sleep. And, of course, rescue Eren from from the monsters that haunt him all night. They're getting less and less frequent, and one morning Levi wakes up slightly dazed. Eren's slept through the whole night.<p>

"Captain, you heard me the other night, right?" he asks as Levi runs a comb through his hair.

"Which one?" he responds, trying to stall.

"'How come I give myself entirely to you, but you refuse to open up at all?' That night."

"Ah," Levi says.

"I'd appreciate an answer," Eren continues expectantly.

"I hardly even understood the question," Levi replies brusquely. "Hurry along now, brat."

"I'm serious, Captain," he presses on. "Everyone puts their trust in you, but you never return that favor. Isn't that a bit unfair?"

"I don't see the rest of my squad complaining. Nobody wants to share my burden."

"Don't say that! I'd gladly take your pain," Eren presses on, so blissfully ignorant. He doesn't see the memories crashing like tidal waves through his captain's mind as he imagines all of his hardships pressed on this kid who thinks he's seen it all.

Eren only realizes he's screwed up when Levi disappears up the stairs without saying a word.

He is unusually quiet as the squad eats breakfast, only picking at his food before shoving it aside. Petra is "mother-henning," as Auruo calls it, while Gunther and Erd collectively attempt to get some food into the teenager. But he only looks for the approval of his captain, who refuses to meet his eyes.

"Eren," Levi says as he stacks his plate in the sink, "step outside for a moment."

He obeys, fear flashing in his green eyes as he imagines countless ways Levi would yell at him, punish him for being so disrespectful, so insensitive -

"Your question," Levi says quietly, closing the door and joining him. "I'll answer it for you in due time."

"You're not mad?" Eren asks tentatively.

"It's my fault, not yours. If anything, I'm mad at myself." Levi places his hand on Eren's shoulder. "Forget it. Focus on training for today."

He nods and leaves, most likely to get his 3DMG. "I'll see you in a few minutes, then?"

"Yes," Levi answers, watching Eren's face carefully. "What are you grinning at me for?"

"Nothing," he says. "I'm just happy."

* * *

><p>"I'm scared, Captain," Eren confesses to Levi on the last night of their time training. They are the only ones still left at the dining table - Petra had announced that she was crashing early and Auruo had doggedly followed, while Erd and Gunther had gone out to ensure their path back to town was unobstructed. They sit beside each other, awkward, silent.<p>

Levi sets down his teacup. "For the expedition?"

"Yeah." Eren lets out a shuddering breath. "I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight."

"I'll go down again with you, if you'd like," Levi offers. To be quite honest, a small part of him was sad when Eren announced he didn't need Levi to sleep properly a week ago. He can't help but notice how much worse he sleeps when he's alone.

"No need," Eren brushes him off. "I'll be okay."

There is a long silence. Eren watches the flickering candle and Levi watches the dim light illuminating Eren's big, unknowing green eyes.

"So do you have your answer yet?" Eren asks sleepily.

Levi doesn't need to clarify; he knows all too well what Eren means.

"Yeah." He pauses, collecting the words he always knew he'd have to say but never had the courage to express. "I always did. I just never really wanted to tell you."

"But you will now?"

Levi nods. He doesn't know why - maybe it is the prospect of death looming over them with tomorrow's expedition, or maybe he just wants to rest the teen's mind at ease. In any case, he begins to speak slowly, in a voice that is almost inaudible.

"When you open up to others, you're giving yourself to them. You give yourself away until there's nothing left inside of you, so every feeling you have is shared by someone else."

Eren nods. "That's what I've done with you, Captain, but -"

"But when they die, you die, and there's nothing of you left at all," Levi cuts in sharply. "That's why I can't give myself to you, Eren."

"But I can't die unless I'm eaten!" Eren argues. "I'm inhuman, so those rules shouldn't apply to me!"

"To me, you are very much human," Levi says softly. "And I've already lost myself to too many people."

"It's easier to bear the pain," Eren whispers, his face darkening. "Don't think my life was perfect. The only reason I continue to smile, and laugh, and love, is because I've given away all my pain."

"I can handle my own pain. And even if it means that I cannot smile or laugh or love, I would much rather never have those feelings than to feel the pain of losing them."

"Who said you couldn't love?"

"I-" Levi stops. "I don't know."

Eren reaches a hand out to brush Levi's cheek. He recoils, drawing back as if Eren's hand has a fatal touch. He attempts once more, and this time Levi gives in completely, letting Eren rub tiny circles on his jawbone.

"See? You're fine," Eren whispers. "I'm here."

Levi lets it go, all the pain and the guilt and the sadness. He gives it all to Eren, who takes it in with open arms, who cradles him like he is a baby to be protected, and maybe for tonight he is.

Maybe for tonight, he can afford to love.

* * *

><p><strong>hellohellohello sorry for this weird thing and a lack of a Perilous Boundaries update (not like anyone's gonna read it anyways though ehehhe) This is literally bits and pieces, I'm just not able to make this into a coherent story so here you go. Thanks for stopping by~<strong>


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